I have to be awake in not too long and I am freaking the fuck out. I have gotten myself back into the same situation again, only possibly worse. I need to not be in this relationship anymore. I need to be over this. I am such a logical person, and so effective. Why is it still so hard?

I think 2011 was the biggest year of my life. I graduated high school. I applied, got into, and went to college. I fell in love for the first time, had my first serious relationship, and lost my virginity. In 2011, I felt happier than I ever had and more despairing. 2012 is starting on a strange note, but not necessarily a bad one.

Hey guys. Role play is fun.

Happy New Year friends :) I had sex today!!

I want to make a mistake with you.

I’m feeling irrationally sad and anxious and possessive so I’m gonna hang out here in the benthos as my alter ego for a little while.

You are supposed to be mine.

I NEED SEX.

There is one thing though, that really makes me feel like I can connect with a person. The people I relate to the most are people who know darkness. Not just grief or sadness or loss, but real darkness, the belly of the beast, so to speak. I think there is a crack in me, where all the pain and poison in the world seeps through and for the longest time left me wondering why other people don’t feel it. I always recognize other people who do; I know their voices and their modest scars and their bottomless, unswerving eyes. And I have to love them.